It is 1 a.m. and I should go to sleep, but I can't bear the idea of laying down in bed and being alone with my thoughts in the quiet.
So I read, I type messages on Facebook and try to find things that make me chuckle. But it doesn't really work.
Tomorrow I will go to the hospital to start a round of tests to find out why I can't seem to get pregnant. Just blood tests, taken on the right days, no biggie....but really, it is. Either one of two things will happen: We find out there is something wrong and find out if it can be fixed or we find out nothing is wrong and it's just not happening. I don't know which is worse. But I can't feel like this anymore.
If you take it down to the basics, a woman's body's first job is to procreate. Have babies. At this point in time I am failing at that. I am failing at being a woman. And it hurts. And I cry every month. And I have no girlfriends to talk to because I am ashamed and all my friends are pregnant. I can barely stand to talk to them on the phone much less look at them. I am happy for them, but I cannot be happy for me.
Sometimes I look at Emma and I think, let it just be enough. She is the most amazing little girl and I love her so very much, but I wish she had a sibling to love and plot and scheme and fight with. No matter what happens in the whole of your life when you have a sibling you never feel truly alone. I want that for her.
I want that for me.