Today I am sad.
It is 1 a.m. and I should go to sleep, but I can't bear the idea of laying down in bed and being alone with my thoughts in the quiet.
So I read, I type messages on Facebook and try to find things that make me chuckle. But it doesn't really work.
Tomorrow I will go to the hospital to start a round of tests to find out why I can't seem to get pregnant. Just blood tests, taken on the right days, no biggie....but really, it is. Either one of two things will happen: We find out there is something wrong and find out if it can be fixed or we find out nothing is wrong and it's just not happening. I don't know which is worse. But I can't feel like this anymore.
If you take it down to the basics, a woman's body's first job is to procreate. Have babies. At this point in time I am failing at that. I am failing at being a woman. And it hurts. And I cry every month. And I have no girlfriends to talk to because I am ashamed and all my friends are pregnant. I can barely stand to talk to them on the phone much less look at them. I am happy for them, but I cannot be happy for me.
Sometimes I look at Emma and I think, let it just be enough. She is the most amazing little girl and I love her so very much, but I wish she had a sibling to love and plot and scheme and fight with. No matter what happens in the whole of your life when you have a sibling you never feel truly alone. I want that for her.
I want that for me.
It is 1 a.m. and I should go to sleep, but I can't bear the idea of laying down in bed and being alone with my thoughts in the quiet.
So I read, I type messages on Facebook and try to find things that make me chuckle. But it doesn't really work.
Tomorrow I will go to the hospital to start a round of tests to find out why I can't seem to get pregnant. Just blood tests, taken on the right days, no biggie....but really, it is. Either one of two things will happen: We find out there is something wrong and find out if it can be fixed or we find out nothing is wrong and it's just not happening. I don't know which is worse. But I can't feel like this anymore.
If you take it down to the basics, a woman's body's first job is to procreate. Have babies. At this point in time I am failing at that. I am failing at being a woman. And it hurts. And I cry every month. And I have no girlfriends to talk to because I am ashamed and all my friends are pregnant. I can barely stand to talk to them on the phone much less look at them. I am happy for them, but I cannot be happy for me.
Sometimes I look at Emma and I think, let it just be enough. She is the most amazing little girl and I love her so very much, but I wish she had a sibling to love and plot and scheme and fight with. No matter what happens in the whole of your life when you have a sibling you never feel truly alone. I want that for her.
I want that for me.
Ah girl, I feel your pain. My son is six, and I so desperately want a sibling for him. It's so frustrating! I wish you lots and lots of luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks Gina, you too! It is definitely frustrating. It really shouldn't be this difficult, should it?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear, and to be reading this so late! Hopefully you've found some answers to what's been going on. Don't give up!
ReplyDeleteThanks Leigh! We have an appointment this Friday to over test result. Hopefully we'll have somewhere to go from there!
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