going to the movies

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ DIVERGENT AND DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED DO NOT READ THIS POST.

So here's the thing.  We finally went to see Divergent tonight.  

Divergent is probably one of my top five favorite books.  I loved that book more than Twilight, more than the Hunger Games.  I actually can't think of another book that I loved as much.  I think because Tris is such a strong character.  A likeable character.  She's human, she's flawed.  She wants to fit in, she wants to be loved, to be liked, but she stays as true to herself as she can be.

So seeing the movie should be at the top of my to do list, right?

Well, not so much.

I started to get an inkling when I saw the preview at the Veronica Mars movie.  I started crying.  I had done a pretty good job of not watching any interviews or trailers.  Ever since New Moon when I watched and read every bit of information I could about the movie I felt like I spoiled it for myself so I've been much more careful.

Anyhow, after friends went to see it without me (I begged off, just not feeling well, Ray wasn't home to watch the girls) I figured I would just wait until it came out on video.  Where I could watch it in the comfort (read: privacy) of my own home.  But Ray wanted to go see it too so that's what we did tonight.  And I loved it.  Of course, it wasn't perfect and if I had the choice I probably would have chosen someone else to play Tris, to play Four and I wouldn't have cast three guys who all look incredibly alike to play three different characters (Will, Al & Peter).  But it was good and for the most part stayed true to the book.

My problem is purely grief and this really does just prove what a freaking book nerd I am.

I feel like I'm mourning the losses again.  When Tris takes that zip line ride for the first time after the War Game I could only think about Four taking that same ride at the end of Allegiant and I could barely hold it together.  Even now, thinking about it again I am incredibly sad.  There were moments during the movie where I hoped, maybe it would be different.  Maybe her mother would not die.  Maybe her father would not sacrifice himself.  When I saw Caleb after their mother dies my lip actually curled in disgust.

All because I know.  I know what's going to happen, what will be revealed.  What they have done and how they all end up and I cried and I mourned for those lost when the books finished and I'm doing it all over again.

And I realize as I'm reading this back to myself how ridiculous it all sounds.  It's a book!  It's not real.  The people don't exist, but for a time, in my head while I read they did and that's enough.